growing up

Last weekend at the Jersey Shore (insert lolz) Brandon turned to me and asked me if I considered myself to be an adult. Without really thinking about it, I said yes. And he said that he didn't really feel that way at all. So I thought about it some more.

In the PRO-adult category, we have the following:

I do basically everything by myself. I live miles away from family, I pay bills, I buy and make food, I clean my clothes and room and house, I have a boyfriend that I carefully arrange my schedule around (ha!), I make doctors' appointments for myself, and I am attending (and successfully completing, thus far) medical school (I mean I haven't flunked out yet or anything). Functionally, I am a fully independent human being.

However, and there is a HUGE however, I am not financially independent. I am pretty much entirely dependent, actually. Unlike many of my classmates, I am lucky enough to have some financial support from my parents. I will not become financially independent until I start making some money.

So in the CON-adult, we have:

Financial dependence. No responsibility for any person other than myself. Oh also I litter my speech with internet terminology and waste a lot of my free time instead of being productive.

Those are really the only concrete "cons" I can come up with. But I also worry a lot. And I never, ever used to worry. I have always had very concrete plans for my life. Actually, I had one plan: medical school. I used to think that after that everything would just fall into place. I didn't realize I'd have to make more plans. And now that I'm here, planning for the future seems pretty much impossible. I feel more anxiety and uncertainty about what's to come than possibly ever before.

Then I read this article about the new "developmental phase" of life called emerging adulthood.

There are two quotes from this article that particularly resonate with me:

1)“It’s somewhat terrifying,” writes a 25-year-old named Jennifer, “to think about all the things I’m supposed to be doing in order to ‘get somewhere’ successful: ‘Follow your passions, live your dreams, take risks, network with the right people, find mentors, be financially responsible, volunteer, work, think about or go to grad school, fall in love and maintain personal well-being, mental health and nutrition.’ When is there time to just be and enjoy?”

I don't find it terrifying so much as exhausting. It makes me want to sit on the couch and do none of the above. Despite the fact that this should be one of the most inspired periods of my life - my time at a great medical school, doing things I've always wanted to do - I sometimes feel less motivated than I did at UT.

2) THE 20S ARE LIKE the stem cell of human development, the pluripotent moment when any of several outcomes is possible. Decisions and actions during this time have lasting ramifications. (emphasis mine)

Yes, I know! Oh gosh! Freak out about what career I want/when I'm going to get married/where I want to do residency and how that will affect my career/ etc etc.

The funniest part is that I don't even think I really fit this "developmental phase" of "emerging adulthood" because I'm not trying to decide what career I want/changing jobs/moving back home. But I do feel like it fits me.

After all, I've hit only 2 of the 5 criteria for "transitioning to adulthood":

1) Completing school (I think they mean earlier phases of school): CHECK

2) Leaving home: CHECK

3) Becoming financially independent...not so much

4) Marrying...nope

5) Having a child...thankfully, not yet.

At this rate I will probably never be an adult. HOORAY

backdated!

I posted 2 old entries from the time of surg. Dated April/May.

Thursday's the big day - I am so ready. I need a break. On Sunday we took one:

Yes, that is a kiddie pool in my backyard. It's the biggest kiddie pool I've ever seen though. It comfortably fits 3 full-sized humans, maybe 4 if you're all friendly.

The sad part is that you can't see my flashcards, which are on the ground on the right beside me. I mean, the sad part is that there are flashcards on the ground right beside me. Maybe Kamna and I will get bonus "cool points" on the exam for "creative studying venues."

oh PS I added two blogs on the right - smitten kitchen, which I've been reading for ages, and hyperbole & a half, which is really how i wish my blog read, because it is laugh out loud hilarious. Lolz all over the place.

hello everyone!

So I've been getting some sass for not updating this thang. Here are my excuses:

1) When I was on surgery, I was working or sleeping. And if I wasn't doing that, I should have been reading about surgery. Or maybe eating. Anyway, it's a shame I didn't post more during that time, because there were lots of good stories, and that's supposed to be the point of this blog. Which leads to my 2nd excuse, which is that:

2) I'm just really bad at blogging; I start posts, I don't finish them. I will try to be better. Again.

3) THIRD EXCUSE: Since surgery I have been studying for the boards, and there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that will turn you into a boring person faster. Everytime mom calls she's like "hey what are you doing" and I'm like "studying." And it's actually true, which is the worst part.

SO to show you how boring my life is, here is a list of the things I googled 2 days ago:

holoprosencephaly - your brain does not develop properly into 2 hemispheres
sirenomelia - mermaid babies!! (actually not a good thing)
patent ductus arteriosus - your ductus arteriosus stays open when you are born, leading to a classic "machinery like" murmur. oh and the whole point of it is to bypass the lungs in the fetus and send blood straight from the pulmonary arteries to the aorta. but if it stays open once you're born, you need to close it.
syringomyelia - enlargement of central canal of the spinal cord. crossing fibers of the spinothalamic tract are typically damaged first, so you get bilateral loss of pain and temperature sensation in the upper extremities with preservation of touch sensation.

Okay I'll spare you the rest. Get the idea? I took a four hour practice test today and that's half the length of the actual exam. BLARGH. I am so tired, and my brain feels so full. There was actually a study done that showed my brain gets bigger while I study for this exam, compared to students who take the summer off. GO MY BRAIN!!!

PS I do have one post from when I was on surgery that I just never completed - I'll backdate that one and post it sometime, so look out for that.

measure by measure

I think one of the hardest things about working really long hours is the inability to tell how things are going. Are you having a good day? A bad day? If you're working 13+ hours, that's plenty of time to have my normal equivalent of 2 bad days and 1 good day. So when I get home at night and Brandon or Kamna asks me how things went I just want to shrug. Who knows if it was good or bad?

There was a good part where I was with the senior fellow and he let me close three different patients.

There was a bad part where the junior fellow was freaking out and super mad at everyone in the OR. (This had originally started off as a great thing for me, as she was not on time for the beginning of the surgery and the ninja-like attending showed up and I got to be first assist for 15 blessed minutes. Which was so fun! Because she (junior fellow) never lets me do anything, not even close, so it felt like revenge.) She's sorta just one of those poisonous personalities - what can you do? I told someone to call her, but I was already scrubbed in.

There was a good part where my prerounding finally took less than 30 minutes.(Yeah yeah, all I do is copy down vitals, but reading that chart was baffling, and more so that early in the morning. And more so if the nurses were stealing them and hiding from me - which they weren't- but it really seemed like they were sometimes.)

There was a bad part when I showed up this morning at the crack of dawn (earlier than the crack of dawn) and my intern was prerounding on MY patients. Okay, look, that's fine. If you want to do it you can do it. But you had better TELL ME so that I don't have to be there at 445, arghahhgkadjjfsriesirewnawn!!!!!

Anyway. A day in the life. There were about 20 other things that happened that day, but see? The day is long. I am tired.

i operated on a live pig!

...in heels. I accidentally left my tennis shoes/clogs at home. It was dumb. It was especially dumb because my partners were shorter than me and the table height was a slight problem because I was in heels. Fail.

Happily, we did not fail to remove the gallbladder, spleen and kidneys from our pig! It was pretty great to be the one doing something for once during a surgery.

My partners and crime, and our poor pig:


I have much more explicit photos of her insides, but I decided to leave those out in case someone found them shocking/gross. And don't worry, she was anesthetized.

this is what i ate today

1) sweet & salty mix, consisting of peanuts, sunflower seeds, raisins, and m&ms. 290 calories
2) 1 and 1/2 nutrigrain bar
3) york peppermint patty
4) fun size butterfinger bar
5) cherry flavored tootsie roll pop (#s 3-5 all during a meeting)
6) stolen coffee.

I don't think interns or residents eat. Pretty sure attendings do, since they get to show up late and leave early, but the only stuff I ever see the underlings eat/drink is stuff they steal for free out of pantries, which mostly consists of saltines, graham crackers, coffee, juice, and jello. Obviously, this is one of the least fun parts of the rotation for me. Everyone knows I like to eat. I can only hide so many treats in my white coat, though - other stuff has to fit in there too.

Anyway, I am getting more used to this rotation. I feel like there are moments of teaching - and therefore learning - brilliance, but most of the time it's all over the place. Some surgeons ask you nothing, and don't speak during the entire operation except to the first assist. Some grill you the entire time. Some like to talk about mundane stuff (obviously, my favorite variety). But you never know what you're going to get, or how much you're going to learn. It is sometimes difficult trying to fill in the gaps yourself when you are not nearly as good at identifying your gaps in knowledge as they are. I'm getting some really basic knowledge through my preceptor group, which I'm not sure is meant to serve that purpose. But I'll take it. And I will try my best to remember it.

Blarg. Anyway, 3 hours until hopeful bedtime. I am bleaching my white coat for the first time (yes, I have washed it before) because it was getting super scraggly. Can't be looking all scraggly when you're seeing patients or they won't let you tap them on the face to check for Chvostek's sign. No, they will not.

braaains

I bet the person who drives this car & I would be great friends.